Simply Life

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Hampton, Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and
hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt .... Mom

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

There was this fellow from Western Kentucky who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out
of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a
tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False: a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You?"
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after "lights out."

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark!

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf...  Of course,
the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful!   Now we'll have to
go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us."
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.  A warm
voice said, "Come on in."  When they opened the door they saw the
damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken
antique bottle was lying on its side  near the broken window.
A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my
window?"
"Uh...  yeah, sir.  We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
"Oh, no apology is necessary.  Actually I want to thank you.  You see
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
years.  Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three
wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep
the last one for myself."
"Wow, that's great!" the husband said.  He pondered a moment and
blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life."
"No problem," said the genie.  You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"
"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.
"I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every
country in the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie said.  "And your homes will always be
safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife."
The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both
now have a fortune, and all those houses.  What do you think?"
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
right.  Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband.
"I'd do the same for you!"
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.  After about three hours of non-stop
sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,
"How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded
breathlessly.
"No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
believe
in genies?"

*This was a blonde joke when I received it. I don't like blonde jokes but I thought it was funny. So, I've edited it!*


A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see the blonde person behind the wheel was knitting.

Realizing the person was oblivious to his flashing light and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "Pull over!"

"No!" the blonde person yelled back, "turtleneck!"

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.


TEACHER: Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
FRANK: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.


TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday, you said it's H to O.


TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!


TEACHER: Gus, why do you always get so dirty?
GUS: 'Cause I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE: I is...
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."


TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.


TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it's the same dog.


TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.

Support a family:
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied,"Well no. I was just planning on supporting your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."

Grandma's Age:
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was.
Grandma answered, "39 and holding."
Johnny thought for a moment, and then said, "And how old would you be if you let go?"

First Time Ushers:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates.
When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, "Don't pay for me daddy. I'm under five."

Prayers:
The sunday school teacher asked, "Now, Johnny, tell me, do you say your prayers before eating?
"No sir," he replied, "We don't have to. My mom is a good cook."

Climb the walls:
"Oh, I sure am happy to see you," the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother's side. "Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that?" she asked.
"I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit."

The Mood Ring:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

The water pistol:
When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased I turned to my mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. DOn't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied..... "I remember."

Life after death:
"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes sir." the new employee replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"