Simply Life - game_room

Redneck Joke

noreply@blogspirit.com (Sonshine1296) — Sat, 1 Apr 2006 13:38:10 -0700

Dearest Redneck Daughter,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the
newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we
moved.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Hampton, Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine.
I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain.
We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first
time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would
be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off
and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and
hot because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is
yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.
The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull
him out but he fought them off and drowned.
We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck.
Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety.
Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they
couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal
has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt .... Mom

6th Graders

noreply@blogspirit.com (Sonshine1296) — Fri, 31 Mar 2006 09:08:14 -0700

Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"

Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"

Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.

Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."

"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Flat Tarr Joke...can't help it, I giggled

noreply@blogspirit.com (Sonshine1296) — Fri, 3 Mar 2006 18:35:00 -0700

There was this fellow from Western Kentucky who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers, and proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tarr." In response the passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."

Doctor's Tales

noreply@blogspirit.com (Sonshine1296) — Wed, 1 Feb 2006 20:04:31 -0700

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby
in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the
lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed
that there were several cabs -and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX.

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly
and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I
instructed. "Yes, they used to be," replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that
her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than
five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked. "The patch. The
nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out
of places to put it!" I had him quickly undress and
discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a
new one.
Submitted by
Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How
long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she
answered..."Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, "So how's your breakfast this
morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste" the patient replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with
purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined
that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate
surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff
noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a
tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the
patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY!!!................

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work
and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No
doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer
Wiener".
Dr. wouldn't submit his name

Hollywood Squares

noreply@blogspirit.com (Sonshine1296) — Mon, 23 Jan 2006 14:15:08 -0700

If you remember the original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.

Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False: a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You?"
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after "lights out."

Q. When you pat a dog on its head, he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark!

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the Army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body; what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car; the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.